UnDream

Dreams grow root and spread like vines
Crawling the sides of a delusional mind
And in their floraled fingers bind
The thoughts floating there – cannot outrun
Nor find way to the fading sun

…As hands of time foreboding unwind
All that glitters shall lose its shine

Such dreams with beauty only fleeting
Feign that it is your heart completing
But as you feel the slowing beating
You begin to fear the end has come
And vaguely recall all you’ve left undone

…Regrets now play in your mind, repeating
See any Hope remaining turn back, retreating

Those dreams deceived your reality
Played melodically on your frailty
Keeping you in their fallacy
You let them in and now they’ve won
Wrapped up inside them all alone

…Who knew dreams held such brutality
Could produce such a deadly malady

…And tomorrow what you wouldn’t give
for, look! See now, you forgot to live.

Old Poem

Frosted panes of looking glass
I’ll fall through eyes first
Still holding fast
To hope as swirls of glitter cease
And in time un-ironed
Trip across a crease
Where a slew of naked truths

Lie

Hidden

Some forgotten wisdom
Charged forbidden
Never taught nor to be written
As I stumble over beginnings shifted
And ends that never find a home
On the hands of clocks they have drifted
Poetic lessons we’ll never know

Stretched out seconds
And shrunken hours
Marred in battles of celestial powers
Wounded moments of blackened blue
Can never hope to see the snow
That cleanses over the waste of time
Lands glistening on the glass below
That stole my eyes and grabbed my mind
Where I now stand in space
Frozen through
And can only hope to become alive

In you

(Feb 2010)

So Big, So Small

As I sit to write this, I hear my brother singing, “What would you think if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song, and I’ll try not to sing out of key…” He is very musically inclined, a gift I wish he would practice and use more often. A gift I later found seemed to be genetic. On this day, the phrases ‘so big,’ and ‘so small,’ resonate with me.

We found out today that his biological mother passed away. So big.

I have to express my sadness about it, even though I really didn’t know her it all. So small.

I met her on several occasions as a young child while she was carrying my soon-to-be brother. I remember vaguely rattling on about names for the baby and things of that nature on our way to taking her to doctor appointments. I couldn’t have picked her out of a lineup years later, but I remembered her red hair. As history, my brother’s biological mom and our mom went to beauty school together. So Small. They became friends, and when she got pregnant with my brother, asked our mom if she wanted to adopt him. SO BIG.

My brother was a happy kid. Reminiscing brings the memory of that often practiced game of ‘Sooo Big!’ He loved that. Despite our non-familial appearances – he’s blonde and I’m the darkest brown, he’s fair-skinned and I’m tan, he has blue eyes and mine are so dark you can’t see my pupils right away, he’s tall and I am not – we were brother and sister, and that was that. These differences that scream adoption were and are So Small. We endured the questions, and, Lord help us, people thinking we were dating.

As a teenager, I met her once more after a long time of my brother asking to meet her. So Big.

That was a difficult time period for everyone, him, me, my parents. But a dinner was planned. They were almost identical in facial features. I don’t remember much about that dinner at The Olive Garden, just that she asked to be reminded of when his birthday was… I like to think that she did it for our mom, that she was trying to put an end to any turmoil he was experiencing, that she was making a point about the situation. Small act, Big impact?

Even though I didn’t know her well, I know she was a good person. And she blessed my family in such a way that we could never repay. She gave us a gift that would not have been possible without her selflessness. My brother is a good-natured, goofy kid. He would do anything for me, for anyone. I can’t imagine my life without him. So Big.

My brother’s mom always has been and always will be a part of our family, no matter what, because blood is blood and love is love. We could not be without either. Their bloodline makes them family, and our adoptions make them my family. My brother has other biological relatives that I do know – siblings, grandparents, aunts, cousins… I hurt with them today as they mourn this loss because they are my family, too, because family runs deeper than genes.

Some things that may seem So Big, like blood, end up being So Small when it comes to something as Big as family. And life seems So Small when you lose a loved one, the void So Big and the loss so much. But the So Small connection I have to my brother’s mother is So Big in the grand scheme of this life the Lord has blessed us to live. And only God and only love can make Big things out of Small things.

Running Reflections 2

Running gives me lots of time to think, and I take it because the thinking takes my mind off the task at hand.

.1. Enjoy the Moment – I don’t necessarily enjoy running just yet. I hope to get there eventually. I like the idea that I might become a runner, and I like how I feel about myself after one. But getting to it and doing it is something entirely different. However, I have learned to love the look on my dog’s face when she knows she will be joining me, and her excitement while we’re out. At least someone is having fun! I appreciate a summer breeze a thousand times more on those muggy early evening ventures and I really like encountering some of things I come across at times. One time I found myself being followed by a friendly boxer who had escaped his electric fence. Very often while running a nearby trail I see deer and butterflies and rabbits, along with a few very adorable children who could outrun me any day of the week.

.2. Keep at It – I keep making myself run because it’s good for me, it teaches me discipline and causes me to make other healthy decisions – drinking water, eating well, etc. Recently I had been job-hunting, a task far more tedious and terrible than any run. While I began to feel hopeless, I kept looking, kept listening and kept working hard at my current job. All of a sudden, I found myself being interviewed and hired and giving my two weeks. Perseverance prevails.

.3. Reward Yourself – Even the little things, like actually going for a run, deserve to be celebrated. I probably won’t go eat a ‘love it’ sized ice cream from Coldstone (then again…), but I might indulge in that cookie or that cupcake that’s been staring at me all week. Isn’t it funny how food does that? So, whether you finished that big project at work, finally cleaned the whole house, or even just made it through the week without being committed, do something nice for yourself. If you don’t stop to revel in the small things, you lose sight of what’s really important.

Running Reflections

It’s been a while since my last post, and much too long since my last run. As much as running is a learned and somewhat forced activity, it seems that I can relate a lot of life to forming the habit.

.1. Take a Break – It’s been a long time since my last real effort toward a run, so I found myself stopping to walk several times. At first it felt disheartening and the self-deprecating part of me was beginning to get mouthy. But then I realized that sometimes you just need to take a break from whatever it is your doing. Whether it’s a project at work, a disagreement with a loved one or running, that break can provide new insight, inspiration and perspective.

.2. BREATHE – I often actually do forget to breathe in regular day-to-day living. I know, it’s weird, but I’ll find myself deep in thought or staring at the screen when suddenly I’m gasping for breath. Talk about hyper-focusing. For obvious reasons you should be breathing all the time, and for obvious reasons while running. Anyway, long and purposeful breaths are cleansing and relaxing, and help the thought process a lot more than you might think. Of course, breathing is extremely helpful and necessary in running those 5ks!

.3. Gradual is Okay – I find myself getting frustrated that I am not an instant marathon runner. I get irritated when I cannot make huge changes to my company’s website all at once. And I get discouraged when my life feels like it is not moving fast enough toward my goals. Then I remember that all things come in time and the good lord know what he’s doing (someone’s got to!). So, my turtle’s pace of a run is just fine, better than nothing at all, right? And the small headway I make at work every day will eventually evolve into checkmarks and new tasks. And every day I put forth my best effort and attitude will lead me to the life I’ve been working toward.

This running thing is proving to be just as good for my mind as it is for my body. I say this now, but know tomorrow that said body will not agree with the previous statement. Happy Weekend!

“Grammar, a Victim in the Office”

“Grammar, a Victim in the Office”

ME TOO — (Excerpt from article) “I cringe every time I hear” people misuse “is” for “are,” Mr. Silver says. The company’s chief operations officer, Mr. Silver also hammers interns to stop peppering sentences with “like.” For years, he imposed a 25-cent fine on new hires for each offense. “I am losing the battle,” he says.

I have to turn off the radio every time Lady Gaga’s ‘You and I’ song comes on…

 

Going Fast: A Late Father’s Day Post

Going fast. The smell of gasoline and a heavily used garage. The wind making my eyes water. The roar of American muscle and squealing tires. The purr of a finely tuned machine. Just a few of my favorite things.

My dad loves/lives cars. He’s been employed by the automobile industry since he was 16. As an adult, he works on cars all day as his job, comes home and works on cars in his garage (a four-car setup that funnily only houses two…), and then he comes inside and turns on Speed Network (if American Pickers is a re-run). The story goes that he had an old Bronco during my toddler years and whenever I was in the car with him, I’d prod him to go faster. I guess that’s where my love for going fast developed.

I remember getting mad at him as a child if he ever took his 1966 Ford Fairlane out without me. Before the aforementioned four-car garage was built, we had a small two-car setup that was attached to our house at the living room. I would stand on our couch and put my hands on the connecting wall when he worked on his car, waiting to feel the vibrations that were caused by him starting it up. His Fairlane is pretty fast when he’s not pulling it apart and putting it back together. Many days were spent at the drag strip nearby and at the old drive-in theater where there were car shows every Saturday.

This Father’s Day, I got up super early with him to take his newest toy (an orange and yellow ’65 Comet) to our church’s Father’s Day car and bike show. As he accelerated quite obnoxiously down the road from our house, I couldn’t stop the grin that took over my face. It’d been some time since I’d been in one of his cars. But the feeling of speed, smelling the exhaust and having the wind in my face – just the memory makes me smile now.

My dad is a great man, a good person, a solid guy. I adore him, truly. I love being with him while he’s around cars because of the look on his face every time – like a kid in a candy store. And he doesn’t just love them, he knows them. My incessant questions always have answers, which gives me more questions because I don’t quite get all that mechanical ish. But he seriously breathes this stuff, I’m pretty sure there’s gasoline and oil in his veins.

There isn’t much of a point here, other than it was recently Father’s Day and I really love my father. I am blessed to have such a man in my life who knows the meaning of hard work, dedication and family. He’s taught me a lot about honesty, work ethic and commitment. I also learned through him that the best way to get close to someone, or get to know them, or really connect with them, is to spend time with them doing the things they are passionate about. It’s then that you see their colors shine brightest.

Pregnant Men on Groupon

Was anyone else re-reading and re-reading their Groupon email today? Like, a thousand times?! I am not sure if they were trying to be clever or attention-grabbing, but their message was lost on me. If you didn’t see it:

I really really really dislike this marketing piece. From a consumer standpoint, this has all kinds of wrong written all over it! Were they trying to be funny? It isn’t funny. It’s weird. I find no offense with it necessarily, but I can see where many others might. Men don’t carry children, so, any moms out there feeling miffed? Not all children are parented by their biological donors, so, any adoptive parents feeling left out? Fathers are wonderful for a multitude of reasons, so, how many men can actually relate to this? I guess it’s aimed more at people buying for their dads, but I’m kind of turned off by the subject line alone.

At first my co-worker and I thought it was a typo, like they had accidentally used the Mother’s Day tagline or something. Then we realized the theme continued on in the header of the email. It kind of leaves you with that “Uhhh… wait, what?” feeling. On the upside, Groupon probably saw a huge jump in their open rates!

My first 5k!

Running in Circles – Literally

In early March, I decided that I wanted to run a 5k. It seemed like a feasible enough goal that would prove to be satisfying if I could ever get there. Well, I got there! I am not a runner, in any shape or form. I suppose I am fairly athletically built, but I was always more comfortable with a pen in my hand versus athletic equipment. Much of that stems from my fear of failure. If I didn’t attempt something new, then I could never be bad at it, which in my mind was worse than not being able to do it in the first place. Believe me, I am well aware of the psychological shortcomings this mindset entails.

As running takes enough effort it itself, the idea of driving somewhere to run was not appealing. The neighborhood I live in would have to suffice. Running in giant circles gets old pretty quickly, and then I realized my running trail was my life at the moment. Every time I ran, I might notice something different, something I never saw before. Some runs were slower than others, and some runs ended with more pride than others. I feel that way about my work right now. Every circle around the block offers a new insight, a new nugget of knowledge. And every go around is different – some days I feel accomplished, while others leave me wanting more.

I have turned, for the past few months, to the same reading in both situations: Og Mandino’s Scroll III of The Greatest Salesman in the World. The end reads, “As long as there is breath in me, that long will I persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles of success; if I persist long enough I will win.” Just as I manage to force those running shoes onto my feet, will I keep at my work until I find my victory. Just as I have to train and work at this goal of running a 5k, will I have to hone my skills and persevere until my career takes a turn for the better.

So, if you’re feeling lost or weary or discouraged, have heart, my friend. A few more times around the neighborhood might give you a new perspective or reinforce your good skills. Eventually, you’ll find a new path, and when you do, you’ll be ready. To end, I’ll share my favorite part of the scroll.

I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.

Here’s to never giving up. Cheers!